WTF Comics

Zeiram

I pretty much pulled this out of thin air. I was trying to envision the one character that I want to include in my more serious writing. I'd like it if I could get a comment or two about it.

***

It was appalling, running through the night like frightened damsels in distress. This was no way for brave soldiers of the Alma Empire to act. Yet here they were running for their lives through the water logged shallow terrain of the swamp. At first, this was just a standard patrol, to flush out common thugs and vermin that the empire wished to cleanse from its lands at any costs. Instead they found something far more ferocious, but also far more alluring.

She was waiting in the mist for them, waiting to strike and take the spoils presented to her. The first to fall was the poor young and quite unsuspecting private. He had hopes of valor, chivalry, and honor. Now his lifeless body lay sinking into the soggy earth. That very spirit was tore from his body by the same temptress that now pursued them so vehemently.

This was her hunting grounds and her home. The way in which she moved told them as much. There was no sound of water splashing as she gave chase, nothing at all save for her voice which called out. “Please help me.” She called out. Her prey would have none of this trickery as they bumbled their way through the water and mud.

The creatures of the swamp knew better than to trifle in her affairs. They remained hidden, seeking refuge amongst the shadows and deeper waters. Although she possessed no unfathomable strength, they still feared her and the mist that came with her. Those that had attempted to attack her found their life choked away, she preferred only the taste of men.

Another soldier fell to his fate in the waters, his fluid gargled scream reverberating through the cool air of this ill fated night. The huntress had claimed another prize. One more fell, but this time he denied her the simple meal as gun shots rang out. Laughter soon followed as she announced another deathly claim. One after another they fell until the only one that remained was the once brave captain.

“Cowards always are the last, but I won’t sully myself with that foul taste.” The voice cooed from the mist as it encroached upon the last soldier.

He saw her form first, a true temptress she was. This was her bait, her body and its curves as it moved through the stillness of the night. Locks of Raven colored hair were brushed aside as she grew closer, in doing so the moonlight was caught in her emerald eyes giving them the terrifying glimmer only present within the most fierce some of predators.

“You came to kill us, as the others in the past have. We will not be driven before the Empire.” She said.

“We were sent here for thieves, vermin that raid the traveling merchants that pass nearby.” The captain protested, daring not to turn his eyes away from the terrible beauty before him.

“Then it looks as though you’ve found the so called vermin, or rather the vermin has found you.”

The fatal mistake was made; he failed to turn his gaze away. In doing this simple act he was trapped in her spell. Her hypnotic, piercing stare bore down on him and he reacted as any other man might by drinking it in. She opened her mouth as if to lick her lips and instead exhaled a great breath of mist that enshrouded the captain’s body. It didn’t take long for it to make its use known as it coalesced into threads that bound him where he now lay.

She offered what some might call a smile. It was her word that she kept now, instead of sucking the spirit from his body and reducing his body to a lifeless husk of flesh and bone she would take his life in a more common manner. The dagger came from its sheath across the small of her back and arced its way through the air swiftly before returning to its place.

The captain now lay with a blank look on his face accompanied by a grisly new grin that traced from ear to ear. It wasn’t quick, or painless, and it left her revealing cloths in a crimson mess but she had kept her word nonetheless. All the invaders lay dead, and this last one lay covered in a tangle of threads like what one might find in a spiders web.

However, not all was done as she ripped his bag of provisions from his person. She had one more concern. That was her sibling waiting back at her home. These few had also provided a much needed resource, one that would let them remain hidden for a little while longer…

Kallysti

Not bad. I did actually feel rather creeped out at times (as you intended, I'm thinking). I see a few little editing mistakes here & there but nothing that time & further drafting wouldn't work out Smile

Would this gal be a bad guy? I think, what with the last little paragraph about her purpose, might make her a more interesting kind of anti-hero than an actual antagonist. That's the feel I get, was that your intention?

Overall it was an interesting read & I liked the characterization. Would be interesting to read more about her.

Lenore

Ooo very dark.
I agree with Kally there. I want to read more about her.

Raya

I too was creeped out. I felt that it would get me into the story more if, every time you revealed something about her, it had more substance. You said at one point that she used her curves and form to entice men and that she was alluring. It might have made it more real to me (and even more creeped out) if you said something like, the flash of creamy thigh or the beautiful curves of her cheekbones or...just something. In rereading it, I see you mention details of raven colored locks and emerald eyes. This is rather trite IMO and could be made more real...perhaps gleaming locks of black as dark as her soul...emerald eyes that locked her hungry urges into a fierce, hard gaze that mere looking could not deflect.

I guess I'm trying to say that the description is okay - it gets the message across, but it could be woven so much more spookily and tellingly. Raven colored locks is a tired expression, as are emerald eyes, really. But you can use the concept to get across what they are and how, beautiful as they are, how deadly they are too. It would be another way of characterizing this very interesting character.

I agree with Kally about an anti-hero, rather than an antagonist. The mention of her sibling at home made my ears perk up. Was she doing these evil acts for her own noble cause? Your overall description led me to believe that she is not evil, just rooted in her own way of life and needs, which made it all the more chilling.

Zeiram

Truthfully I only came up with this short bit in about 30 minutes time, some of which was spent during a good 1 minute earthquake where I live. Anyway to answer a few of the questions I intend for this character to evolve into an anti-hero. I want this woman for all intensive purposes to be one that'll make a last impression on anyone that reads about her. Yes she has a sibling, one that will have its own little quirks and surprises.

I'll be doing acouple edits here and there to work on the description since this I think is only a rough draft at best. One question I wish to ask everyone is what is this woman, if she were to based on any mythos what were would she have come from? This will lend itself to her appearance I believe if I can get that part across.

Lenore

hmm I'm almost thinking a Siren, like Circe or something like that.
She lured men with a song, yours lures with her looks, deadly looks, at that.
That what you were aiming for?

Zeiram

The guess about a Siren is good, but that would be another character in this particular story. I've always had a hard time coming up with source material so I've decided to take some other mythological entities and put a different spin on them. So far this one looks to be the most successful, though the sibling will probably end up being a greater challenge.

Naturally I'm still open to guesses on what I based this particular character here on.

Tenderroast

to be honest, it almost seems like you crossed 3 mythological creatures into one: as previously mentioned the Siren; additionaly the Succubus and the Empusa.